Don’t look at me sideways like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Unless (and even if) you grew up a total goody-two-shoes, you’ve probably pined for a bad boy at some time or another between sixth grade and old age. And while a middle-school crush on Bobby who wears wife-beaters probably won’t lead you down the path to prolonged heartbreak or significant danger, for Christian women who continue to seek out bad boys in adulthood—or increasingly badder and more menacing characters—things can take an unpleasant turn…or at least keep you single long after friends who seek solid men have settled down.
Why do women want bad boys?
There’s more than one theory of course, but the predominant wisdom is that they want to change them. In other words, it’s a self-esteem thing: Women who don’t feel worthy think that if they can take someone bad and turn him good this must mean they themselves are acceptable after all. But it doesn’t work this way.
To begin with, what usually happens (and dare I say I speak from experience here) is that you start to date a bad boy, and for a brief period, he acts like a changed man…as if your sheer beauty and unmatchable intellect have caused him to rethink his womanizing/illegal/slacker/danger-seeking (insert other applicable adjective) behavior. And, for a moment, you feel on top of the world. But alas, you soon hit the ground, and you hit it hard. Because true bad boys aren’t seeking a solid future; they aren’t searching for an honest, stable, down-to-earth Christian woman. They are looking for someone to give them what they want for the moment (i.e. sex, an ego boost, a place to stay, money, etc.) before they move on, to fulfill whatever their self-serving mission.
But can a bad boy become good?
We can all identify with the love-em-and-leave-em behavior of a bad boy. But I’m sure we also know those couple of cases where a man did change, where he ended up marrying the woman and walking off into the sunset. This causes us to question: “Maybe the right woman can make a man do a total turnaround?” To this I say the following: It’s more a matter of timing than the women being so much better than those who had tried and failed before her. In other words, the man was ready to change his ways; the next woman who came along found herself working with a more malleable canvas.
Identifying the difference between the bad and the bad-news man
The discussion above explains why women with self-esteem issues are so easily sucked in by a bad boy. But what about all the educated, intelligent, and relatively self-assured sisters who seem to get lured in by these not-so-great guys? In these situations, there are a couple issues at work.
For starters, I think all single women at times fall victim to fears of not finding someone. I know that when you go a long time without meeting someone you are interested in, when you do find someone who sets your stomach aflutter, it’s tempting to ignore the bad-boy warning signs; it’s too easy to think, “So he’s got some bad behaviors. But if not him, there might not be another. I should just take what I can get.” However, as I’ve said time and time again, settling for someone who doesn’t make you happy or doesn’t treat you right will never bring you bliss in the long run. Better you fall back on your faith that God will send your true soul mate, or that you have the power to create your own happiness…much more so than by being with a man who doesn’t measure up.
The second situation I see with self-confident women getting spellbound by bad boys is that they don’t recognize the difference between a man who’s “bad” in the edgy, artistic, or adventurous sense versus one who is truly bad news…in the immoral, dishonest, egotistical, or involved with seedy and/or scary behavior sense.
My friend Karen’s ex-boyfriend is an excellent example of this important distinction. Karen is a gorgeous Christian woman who owns her own business and is known for making wise decisions. About five years ago, she dated a man named Eddie who, by sight and description, was the stereotypical bad boy. Eddie was a late-30s rocker with long dreads, multiple piercings, and tattoos peaking out from underneath his tattered, yet totally cool, choice of clothing. He rode a motorcycle, stayed up late, and completely exuded bad boy appeal.
But that was just Eddie on the outside. He was also a highly monogamous man who had a close relationship with his family and had worked as a bartender for nearly ten years at the same restaurant, where the clientele loved him as much as the owner, due to his outstanding integrity and total trustworthiness. And while Eddie and Karen ultimately weren’t right romantically, he was 100% faithful; although he didn’t make mounds of money, he always paid his way, understanding the importance of having a stable income while waiting for his big break. In other words, he may have been bad on the outside, but Eddie was never a thug, a liar, or even lazy in the slightest degree.
Bad if you must, but never bad news
For those of you drawn to a man with a bit of a bad side, I would first consider the source of your longing. Are you looking to change him so you can feel better about yourself? Are you worried you won’t find anyone better, so you’ll settle for someone less than suitable? Or are you simply unable to get beyond an attraction to someone who exudes a bit of an individual edge? If it’s the latter, my suggestion is to seriously evaluate the type of bad boy you’re dealing with, so you can steer clear of the truly menacing men who will always cause you heartache.
You might give him a shot if he’s bad because of…
An edgy or streetwise style, unconventional appearance, adrenaline-seeking activities, or a creative career (but coupled with motivation and an understanding of needing to pay the bills in the meantime)
But stop short if he’s bad news due to…
Criminal or illegal behavior, serious street activities (gang involvement, stealing, or other money-making scams), womanizing or unfaithful actions, untrustworthiness, disrespect towards you or others, laziness or lack of motivation, “moocher” tendencies, history of aggressive behavior, or present drug and/or alcohol abuse
The final word
The takeaway here is twofold. First of all, if you are attracted to a man with an edge and sense of adventure, make sure to differentiate between one who is bad versus one who is really bad news. Secondly, no matter what kind of bad boy you like, remember you must actually like him…AS HE IS NOW, not because changing him will make you like yourself better. Because the truth is if the timing is not right for him to mend his ways, no amount of beauty, brains, or boldness will turn him into a faithful and future-oriented partner.
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