Another great article from "Regina Get's Real"check it out....“It is birthed out of rejection and compounded by NOT understanding who you are,” explains Tuannee Dickson, who serves as director of publicity at Bishop Noel Jones’ City of Refuge—a title that does not do justice to her insight on the Christian singles in her congregation.
When I sat down with Ms. Dickson to discuss the role of insecurity in the lives of Christian singles, I found out we share a similar belief: Insecurity is a significant factor in preventing Christian men and women from finding love.
What causes critical insecurity?
First of all, note I say “critical” insecurity to differentiate between the kind of insecurity that is a fact of life. Everyone experiences insecurity occasionally; it is critical insecurity, however, that prevents people from engaging in activities that can better their quality of life. For singles, this means not putting themselves out there to meet people, not getting to know someone for fear of rejection, or engaging in other behaviors that hurt their chances of finding love because they are too insecure to face the evaluation of others.
To explain how the process begins, Ms. Dickson quotes a favorite proverb of Bishop Jones: “People will put their whole life on hold for a promise.” In other words, people take promises seriously; they cling to them in hope…in this case, for a lifetime of love with a potential partner.
Therefore, she continues, “When promises are broken as it relates to matters of the heart, it can be devastating. The first place one concentrates is on self. And the questions begin like this: What’s wrong with me?”
From there it spreads. “Insecurity is like a cancer; it starts out as a small mass or lump. If left unattended, it can destroy your life…I have witnessed insecurity make a vivacious young woman give up on any chance of engaging in the process of love,” laments Ms. Dickson. And I concur. In fact, insecurity is almost an epidemic among single men and women, especially those over a certain age, who have experienced being seriously hurt in the past.
Tips for overcoming insecurity
As discussed, insecurity originates in rejection and is intensified by not knowing who we are. True, we can’t control rejection, but we can control how we feel about it. And we certainly can help ourselves with the second element: understanding and appreciating who we are.
To this end, the following are some ideas for gaining control over insecurity:
Focus on your connection to God
Not only are you loved by God, but you are a Believer, which means you have faith and a strong, open heart…and this is an enormous asset. Too many people walk around the world miserable and negative; the fact that you are grateful gives you incredible worth! And it should help you feel proud and confident.
Focus on inner beauty
It’s not just a cliché. When Christians choose partners, traits like kindness, compassion, empathy, and generosity are incredibly attractive. Making someone feel safe and loved—and treating others with respect—makes one a desirable mate. Because personally, and especially as I get older and wiser, I wouldn’t want to date someone who valued a sculpted body more than a caring and considerate mind."
Continue reading at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com
Monday, May 18, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
"He’s a spender, she’s a saver…when Christian couples disagree about how to handle money"
Dilemma
"I am engaged to a wonderful Christian man and we are getting married in June. We get along very well and attend the same church and our families even get along good. The one thing that we’ve always had an issue with is money because he likes to spend whenever either of us have or make extra money and I would rather save (not that I don’t buy ANYTHING but just not expensive things). Like he got a bonus at work and he wanted to take a vacation and he bought himself a watch that was pretty expensive. I know it was his bonus but we still have some credit card debt. I think that any extra money should go to that and then once it’s paid into a savings account in case one of us loses our job in this economy. With the wedding in June we are going to have to combine our income and agree on whether to spend or save. I’m worried this will cause us to fight, because right now we can still make our own decisions as far as what to do with our “own” money. How can we get on the right track? What do other people do?
Deconstruction
You probably know that most studies rank “money issues” as either number one or two on the list of the top five things couples argue about (with sex occupying the alternate spot of course). Therefore, your desire to find a solution before the spend-or-save issue actually bites you in the you-know-what is a wise move.
Since you seem so well suited for one another, all you really need are a few suggestions to help things flow smoothly between a saver and a spendthrift. Read on for what I feel are the four most essential…
#1 Gain perspective and compassion by discovering the source
Since this suggestion is not actually about how to handle money, some may see it as unimportant. However, in my opinion, it is the single most important thing you can do to decrease disagreements about money. To explain it, I will look to the following example.
I know a couple who used to fight constantly about this same issue, as just like you, the man liked to spend lavishly, while the woman wanted to put everything away for a rainy day. They had one child and made a decent living, but not nearly enough to be considered wealthy or even completely comfortable. Also like you, they got along well in all other aspects, but their fighting about saving versus spending got so bad they sought the help of a therapist to address the problem.
While they went into counseling asking for “strategies” and “tools” for managing their money, what they learned about each other was what really turned things around in their relationship. The therapist did with them what I am suggesting you do (alone or with a therapist or pastor). He asked each partner to really open up and explain to the other what they feared about his/her way of handling money. The result was that, while the man had been angrily labeling the woman as “cheap,” he learned she had a deep-rooted fear of falling victim to the financial problems of her parents—who had been quite wealthy for most of her childhood, until in her adolescence, materialism and improper money management caused them to lose everything and eventually divorce. Even though her husband had known this about her, he had no idea how much it was a constant concern.
Meanwhile, the man—whom the woman had been judging for his frivolous spending—had always felt guilty for not being able to provide for his wife the way her father had when she was a girl. Because of this, he was determined to take care of the family in a manner that was actually to their detriment.
I share this story, because once the spouses realized the source of the other’s spending/saving, they developed both perspective and compassion. The next time the husband wanted to buy something out of their budget, his wife lovingly suggested something less expensive and let him know how much the token meant to her. On the other hand, the husband learned to support his wife by reminding her they were not her parents and reassuring her they would be fine, financially. She relaxed and, as a result, became a bit looser about saving every cent.
Therefore, my first suggestion is that you and your fiancée have a candid conversation about what each fears and what each is hoping to gain by sticking rigidly to his/her current saving/spending regimen.
#2 Devise a system to avoid daily discussions of money
Here’s where the tools and techniques come into play. And while I’m certainly not a financial planner, I know there are going to be problems if every purchase or extra few bucks must be analyzed and approved by a committee of two. Therefore, I suggest developing a standard system for how spending and saving are handled for day-to-day items.
You will decide for yourselves, or with the help of a financial professional, how exactly you set things up (and what amounts go where). But the basic idea is that every month a certain percentage of each person’s paycheck goes into an account that will pay for your monthly expenses (food, rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc.), and a certain percentage (on which you’ll have to compromise) will initially be put towards paying off your debt and eventually go into a joint savings account.
While this next part will be the topic of another article, one modern method advises that (after the bills and essentials are paid) you designate a certain amount of what you cumulatively make to go into separate, personal accounts. With this money—which should be the same for both regardless of who earns what—each can opt to spend or save as they please. If he chooses to spend his, fine; if you want some extra savings, that’s fine too. The point is that purchases made out of this money need not come up for discussion.
#3 But, confer and compromise on significant purchases and sums of money
You mentioned above that you and your honey currently decide separately how each will spend his/her individual money…which is the norm for unmarried couples. But now that you are tying the knot, I don’t suggest you keep all monies separate.
Instead, my advice is that you employ some version of the method above, but make a joint decision on significant expenses or sums of money. In this scenario, when either of you receives a bonus or other windfall of sorts, you decide as a couple how to spend or save it…keeping the wishes of both members in mind. For example, in the case of your fiancée" read more at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com
"I am engaged to a wonderful Christian man and we are getting married in June. We get along very well and attend the same church and our families even get along good. The one thing that we’ve always had an issue with is money because he likes to spend whenever either of us have or make extra money and I would rather save (not that I don’t buy ANYTHING but just not expensive things). Like he got a bonus at work and he wanted to take a vacation and he bought himself a watch that was pretty expensive. I know it was his bonus but we still have some credit card debt. I think that any extra money should go to that and then once it’s paid into a savings account in case one of us loses our job in this economy. With the wedding in June we are going to have to combine our income and agree on whether to spend or save. I’m worried this will cause us to fight, because right now we can still make our own decisions as far as what to do with our “own” money. How can we get on the right track? What do other people do?
Deconstruction
You probably know that most studies rank “money issues” as either number one or two on the list of the top five things couples argue about (with sex occupying the alternate spot of course). Therefore, your desire to find a solution before the spend-or-save issue actually bites you in the you-know-what is a wise move.
Since you seem so well suited for one another, all you really need are a few suggestions to help things flow smoothly between a saver and a spendthrift. Read on for what I feel are the four most essential…
#1 Gain perspective and compassion by discovering the source
Since this suggestion is not actually about how to handle money, some may see it as unimportant. However, in my opinion, it is the single most important thing you can do to decrease disagreements about money. To explain it, I will look to the following example.
I know a couple who used to fight constantly about this same issue, as just like you, the man liked to spend lavishly, while the woman wanted to put everything away for a rainy day. They had one child and made a decent living, but not nearly enough to be considered wealthy or even completely comfortable. Also like you, they got along well in all other aspects, but their fighting about saving versus spending got so bad they sought the help of a therapist to address the problem.
While they went into counseling asking for “strategies” and “tools” for managing their money, what they learned about each other was what really turned things around in their relationship. The therapist did with them what I am suggesting you do (alone or with a therapist or pastor). He asked each partner to really open up and explain to the other what they feared about his/her way of handling money. The result was that, while the man had been angrily labeling the woman as “cheap,” he learned she had a deep-rooted fear of falling victim to the financial problems of her parents—who had been quite wealthy for most of her childhood, until in her adolescence, materialism and improper money management caused them to lose everything and eventually divorce. Even though her husband had known this about her, he had no idea how much it was a constant concern.
Meanwhile, the man—whom the woman had been judging for his frivolous spending—had always felt guilty for not being able to provide for his wife the way her father had when she was a girl. Because of this, he was determined to take care of the family in a manner that was actually to their detriment.
I share this story, because once the spouses realized the source of the other’s spending/saving, they developed both perspective and compassion. The next time the husband wanted to buy something out of their budget, his wife lovingly suggested something less expensive and let him know how much the token meant to her. On the other hand, the husband learned to support his wife by reminding her they were not her parents and reassuring her they would be fine, financially. She relaxed and, as a result, became a bit looser about saving every cent.
Therefore, my first suggestion is that you and your fiancée have a candid conversation about what each fears and what each is hoping to gain by sticking rigidly to his/her current saving/spending regimen.
#2 Devise a system to avoid daily discussions of money
Here’s where the tools and techniques come into play. And while I’m certainly not a financial planner, I know there are going to be problems if every purchase or extra few bucks must be analyzed and approved by a committee of two. Therefore, I suggest developing a standard system for how spending and saving are handled for day-to-day items.
You will decide for yourselves, or with the help of a financial professional, how exactly you set things up (and what amounts go where). But the basic idea is that every month a certain percentage of each person’s paycheck goes into an account that will pay for your monthly expenses (food, rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc.), and a certain percentage (on which you’ll have to compromise) will initially be put towards paying off your debt and eventually go into a joint savings account.
While this next part will be the topic of another article, one modern method advises that (after the bills and essentials are paid) you designate a certain amount of what you cumulatively make to go into separate, personal accounts. With this money—which should be the same for both regardless of who earns what—each can opt to spend or save as they please. If he chooses to spend his, fine; if you want some extra savings, that’s fine too. The point is that purchases made out of this money need not come up for discussion.
#3 But, confer and compromise on significant purchases and sums of money
You mentioned above that you and your honey currently decide separately how each will spend his/her individual money…which is the norm for unmarried couples. But now that you are tying the knot, I don’t suggest you keep all monies separate.
Instead, my advice is that you employ some version of the method above, but make a joint decision on significant expenses or sums of money. In this scenario, when either of you receives a bonus or other windfall of sorts, you decide as a couple how to spend or save it…keeping the wishes of both members in mind. For example, in the case of your fiancée" read more at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com
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