"Choosing a Christian Partner: Don’t Discount the Social Versus Stay-at-Home Scale"

"For Christian singles, finding someone with shared values, beliefs, and morals is of the utmost importance. And seeking a potential partner who possesses traits like kindness, compassion, loyalty, and honesty should definitely sit front and center.

But right beneath these must-haves lies a similarity that is often overlooked…but that ends up causing endless arguments for many couples. This is what I call the “social versus stay-at-home scale.” At one end, you’ve got what I term the “happy homebodies.” These are the people who are most content renting a DVD, cuddling up with a good book, or making a meal at home with their significant other. When they do head out of the house, they prefer an early, quiet meal for two, followed by a swift return to their sanctuary…home.

At the other end of the spectrum, you have the “always actives.” These are the people who dislike hibernating at home, as they feel the world is passing them by. While they love spending time with their significant others equally as much, they’d prefer to experience things together…and probably in the company of others as well; they like parties, church events, and all sorts of social outings. And while certain stages of life—for example, the years when they have small children at home—may affect their ability to go out temporarily, as soon as it’s feasible, they’re looking to quickly resume their social schedules, even if they now consist of more kid-friendly choices.

Psychologically speaking: Relation to the introvert and extrovert personality types

Not to start psycho babbling on you here, but I feel it’s worth mentioning the connection (and differences) between a theory many of us have heard of: Jung’s theory of Psychological (or personality) Types.

To give a bit of back-story, Carl Jung was the famous Swiss psychiatrist who conceptualized what we know today as the theory of personality types. In this, he identifies four sets of personality traits, of which the most notable is that of the introvert and extrovert. According to the Jungian-based website www.socionics.com, extroverts and introverts are described as follows:

Extroverts are directed towards the objective world whereas Introverts are directed towards the subjective world. The most common differences between Extroverts and Introverts are shown below:"

Extroverts

• are interested in what is happening around them
• are open and often talkative
• compare their own opinions with the opinions of others
• like action and initiative
• easily make new friends or adapt to a new group
• say what they think
• are interested in new people
• easily break unwanted relations

Introverts

• are interested in their own thoughts and feelings
• need to have own territory
• often appear reserved, quiet and thoughtful
• usually do not have many friends
• have difficulties in making new contacts
• like concentration and quiet
• do not like unexpected visits and therefore do not make them
• work well alone
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"You’re settling, but really seeking your Christian soul mate—why staying with someone out of obligation is a no-win situation"

Wanted to share this great article from Regina "Get's Real....Dilemma

"I’ve been going out with a man for 5 or 6 years. He and I are both divorced. Prior to meeting him, I had been out of a painful relationship for a year and had not dated anyone (that relationship was not my marriage). Anyway, I met him while having some physical pain. He helped me through it. I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me. Well, we started the relationship from that. There were many conflicts as well as good times we had together. As the years came and went, my relationship with Christ grew deeper. Our Christian values are even more different. I must admit, I kind of felt they were different in the beginning. He professes to be a Christian as well. I’ve tried to break it off with this man many times, but he continued to pursue me until he won me over. I feel a shame to say that, but I really don’t know what else to do. I have pretty much done just about every tip you mentioned (this was before I’ve had the opportunity to read your tips) and still no avail. I also feel ashamed to admit that I just gave in because it was easier than fighting. I’ve been praying and waiting for things to change. I must say that some things have changed but there is so much more that needs to change. I don’t honestly feel he’s the one! I want to truly meet my Christian soul mate. I’m asking for your prayers for my situation.

Deconstruction

I’ll not only pray for your situation; I’ll deconstruct it, as I feel that you are in a relationship relatable to many women and men out there…Christian men and women in particular.

Identifying the issues

Upon first reading about your relationship, it was a bit unclear to me exactly why it’s not working. However, after rereading your situation closely, it came to me what is going on: It seems as if you simply don’t feel a serious, soul-to-soul connection to him…and you likely never did; but he helped you through a tough time, and you feel a major sense of obligation.

I’m sure that incongruent Christian beliefs definitely play a part in why you’ve never felt really right with this man. And I’m betting what went down was that you were going through a rough patch when you met him—experiencing both physical pain as well as the lingering pain from your previous relationship. Regardless of varying values, he helped you through it: He provided strength and support and helped bring you back to life. And for this, you feel, he deserves to be repaid…or at the very least, remained with.

See, as Christians, we feel an especially enormous sense of obligation and commitment. We are taught to try to be good people, and this means caring about how others feel and focusing on fairness: Someone does something for you; you do something in return. But this doesn’t include giving someone your life, your happiness, your opportunity for true love and joy.

As you say, “I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me.” If this is what you believe, it is only fair, you feel, you should give God something back, by giving this man what he wants…you. But this has gone on long enough. It’s time to let yourself off the hook and seek real serenity.

Utilizing your God-given gut instincts

Of course, your sense of obligation might only be part of the puzzle. You may also be struggling with fears about what your life will be like after more than five years as part of a couple. This is both normal and natural. But it can lead you to second guess your decision to start a life on your own; it can lead you to uncertainty such as, “Is there really someone out there better for me?” or, “What if I leave him and miss him and feel I’ve made a mistake?”

Leaving a long-term relationship is a serious step. In fact, this subject was addressed in the recent article “As a Christian Man or Woman, When Should You Walk Away from a Relationship?” In it, Nicholle Williams discusses the decision and offers 12 factors for consideration when contemplating whether to terminate a relationship. She also refers to an exercise that I have found incredibly useful when faced with a life-changing decision: It involves alternately visualizing each version of your life as if you’d already chosen one outcome or the other, then focusing on the feelings in the pit of your stomach.

And speaking of feelings in the pit of your stomach, these feelings—or as I call them “God-given gut instincts”—are really the most important part of honestly assessing what will make you happy. If you can quiet your mind, ignore the input of friends and family, and really get in touch with what your gut instincts are saying, you usually already know what you need to do." Continue reading at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com Be blessed!!!!