"For the Men—Figuring Out (Christian!) Female Behavior: Why We Want ‘The Talk’ Part I"

About the series

I’m proud to present the first article in a new series, “For the Men—Figuring Out (Christian!) Female Behavior.” Since most of the topics addressed in Soul Support are for Christian women or Christian men and women, I feel it’s time to give some guidance and insight to our brothers. Therefore, each installment in this series will discuss and decode some stereotypically female behavior, analyze the wrong (i.e. typical) reaction, then describe a better way to handle our (at times) seemingly senseless acts.

Before I launch into the topic for today, a disclaimer about stereotyping. Because I am writing for the public, and not each individual specifically, I have to speak to the most prevalent behaviors, which are usually the gender-based stereotypes. In light of this, please be aware that I am in no way insinuating that all men, or all women, act the same; I realize there are always exceptions and many who are in the middle between each extreme. So please take what you can from each article, and adjust the advice to your specific situation. Men, the goal is that you gain insight into the actions of the opposite sex, as well as yourself, in the hopes that we can get along a little better and appreciate where our partners—or potential mates—are coming from. Enjoy!

Today’s topic: “The Talk”

Men, I’m sure you know the four words I’m referring to. The sentence that seemingly comes out of nowhere, but that never comes at the right time as far as you’re concerned. The four words that foster fear, anxiety, and apprehension in the minds of most men, young and old alike, making you wish you were somewhere—anywhere—else instead of staring down the stern-looking face of the woman you are dating as she says…

We Have to Talk.

The fact that you want to run panicking from the premises is quite understandable. You know you’re not about to discuss dinner plans, the score of the Knicks game, or even the state of the economy. You’re about to be pressured to put a label on what has so far been a low stress, smooth sailing, and magnificently uncommitted dating relationship. You’re about to be asked where she stands and whether you’re seeing other people.

Compassion: It comes from looking beyond behavior

It is said that if you realize where a behavior comes from—if you see the innocence in a person’s motivation—you will be much more compassionate. To this end, I often mention one of my favorite books in the whole world: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff, by the wise, humble, and wickedly insightful Richard Carlson, PhD (who tragically passed away just a couple of years ago). In this, one of the book’s 100 short strategies for living a happier, more peaceful life, he advises that we “look beyond the behavior” to “see the innocence in where the behavior is coming from…” He goes on to explain that, “Underneath even the most annoying behavior is a frustrated person who is crying out for compassion.”

So let’s start by applying this smart strategy to women’s tendency to pressure men into having The Exclusivity Talk. Let’s look at why we are really so anxious to discuss the details of the dating relationship…because it’s not—as some men might think—simply to make you miserable or force you to commit.

Why we do it

The real reasons we out with “We have to talk” have to do with women’s communication styles, societal pressure, and saving face with our friends. And I’ll address them in this order.

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