Wanted to share this great article from Regina "Get's Real....Dilemma
"I’ve been going out with a man for 5 or 6 years. He and I are both divorced. Prior to meeting him, I had been out of a painful relationship for a year and had not dated anyone (that relationship was not my marriage). Anyway, I met him while having some physical pain. He helped me through it. I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me. Well, we started the relationship from that. There were many conflicts as well as good times we had together. As the years came and went, my relationship with Christ grew deeper. Our Christian values are even more different. I must admit, I kind of felt they were different in the beginning. He professes to be a Christian as well. I’ve tried to break it off with this man many times, but he continued to pursue me until he won me over. I feel a shame to say that, but I really don’t know what else to do. I have pretty much done just about every tip you mentioned (this was before I’ve had the opportunity to read your tips) and still no avail. I also feel ashamed to admit that I just gave in because it was easier than fighting. I’ve been praying and waiting for things to change. I must say that some things have changed but there is so much more that needs to change. I don’t honestly feel he’s the one! I want to truly meet my Christian soul mate. I’m asking for your prayers for my situation.
Deconstruction
I’ll not only pray for your situation; I’ll deconstruct it, as I feel that you are in a relationship relatable to many women and men out there…Christian men and women in particular.
Identifying the issues
Upon first reading about your relationship, it was a bit unclear to me exactly why it’s not working. However, after rereading your situation closely, it came to me what is going on: It seems as if you simply don’t feel a serious, soul-to-soul connection to him…and you likely never did; but he helped you through a tough time, and you feel a major sense of obligation.
I’m sure that incongruent Christian beliefs definitely play a part in why you’ve never felt really right with this man. And I’m betting what went down was that you were going through a rough patch when you met him—experiencing both physical pain as well as the lingering pain from your previous relationship. Regardless of varying values, he helped you through it: He provided strength and support and helped bring you back to life. And for this, you feel, he deserves to be repaid…or at the very least, remained with.
See, as Christians, we feel an especially enormous sense of obligation and commitment. We are taught to try to be good people, and this means caring about how others feel and focusing on fairness: Someone does something for you; you do something in return. But this doesn’t include giving someone your life, your happiness, your opportunity for true love and joy.
As you say, “I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me.” If this is what you believe, it is only fair, you feel, you should give God something back, by giving this man what he wants…you. But this has gone on long enough. It’s time to let yourself off the hook and seek real serenity.
Utilizing your God-given gut instincts
Of course, your sense of obligation might only be part of the puzzle. You may also be struggling with fears about what your life will be like after more than five years as part of a couple. This is both normal and natural. But it can lead you to second guess your decision to start a life on your own; it can lead you to uncertainty such as, “Is there really someone out there better for me?” or, “What if I leave him and miss him and feel I’ve made a mistake?”
Leaving a long-term relationship is a serious step. In fact, this subject was addressed in the recent article “As a Christian Man or Woman, When Should You Walk Away from a Relationship?” In it, Nicholle Williams discusses the decision and offers 12 factors for consideration when contemplating whether to terminate a relationship. She also refers to an exercise that I have found incredibly useful when faced with a life-changing decision: It involves alternately visualizing each version of your life as if you’d already chosen one outcome or the other, then focusing on the feelings in the pit of your stomach.
And speaking of feelings in the pit of your stomach, these feelings—or as I call them “God-given gut instincts”—are really the most important part of honestly assessing what will make you happy. If you can quiet your mind, ignore the input of friends and family, and really get in touch with what your gut instincts are saying, you usually already know what you need to do." Continue reading at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com Be blessed!!!!
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I want to say something. I cannot quote scripture and perhaps someone out there can help me with the perfect scripture around the fact that One does not have to repay a person for doing kindness for them but rather can pay it forward. I like what you wrote about for the most part Ayesha, however a critical thing that is missing is the part on independence. I find in my communication with many women (including my mother who raised 3 children single handedly) that there is a psyche of dependence. This mean "waiting for a man to help out". I am going somewhere with this bear with me. Come into the relationship with a sense of worth, yall. Appraise yourself worthy and everything else will be added onto you. I know its not a scripture. But neediness begets the wrong attention. This is in the scripture, O ye be of equal yoke. Take care of you and approach the relation whole and know that when two whole persons come together there can only be the result of wholesomeness. My mom, she has learned to take care of her business. In doing so, her own self worth and self value has risen and she now does not settle for mediocrity. This has been an example for my sisters and these qualities is what has kept me in a loving relationship with my soon to be bride for more that eight years. I often say, I love my woman because she makes me whole (And she is very independent as I). I hope this helps.
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