Ayesha's Blog

"Christian Couples: Why You Should Wait to Introduce Your Kids to Your New Boyfriend or Girlfriend"

2009-06-03T10:30:00.001-07:00

"According to SingleBlackParents.com, “63% of African-American households are headed by a single parent.” And while I can’t find a specific statistic on the number of Christian households headed by a single parent, it’s likely a large number.

This means if you are a single Christian man or woman, the odds that you have a child or will eventually date someone who has a child are high. If you are over 40, you’d better brush up on your baby talk, because the odds are astronomical.

In the second segment of this post, I will offer a specific checklist to help determine when the time is right; but for now, if the question is, When should you introduce your kids to someone you are dating? the answer is NEVER. If you don’t consider yourself to be in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t even think about bringing the kids into the picture.

Why wait: for your kids’ sake

When you start dating someone special, your initial instinct is to want everyone to meet your great new guy. While this may be fine for friends, it’s not advantageous for your children…for a number of reasons.

Avoidable attachment
Kids have an active fantasy life. So while marriage might not even be a thought in your mind, your kids will see any opposite-sex person as a potential father (or mother) figure. If they like the person, this can build false hope that he or she will be joining the family. As a parent, your job is to do everything you can to avoid a breakup once your child has grown attached and developed hopes he’ll have a new dad. The best way to do this is to avoid making introductions before the relationship is serious and solid.

Avoidable anxiety
As we know, kids don’t always want a mother or father figure entering the equation. So for some, the introduction of a new friend for mommy can produce major anxiety. And regardless of whether they like your new love interest, there will certainly be a period of mental adjustment, where your child will struggle to understand what this means for them, for their life, and for their relationship with you. Sure, if someone is going to be a permanent part of your life, it’s a journey that will have to be embarked on. On the other hand, it’s a lot of unnecessary stress for a five-year-old should you break up two months later.

Confusion
Introducing dates to children too soon increases the likelihood they’ll see a series of men or women come and go…and this can be confusing. Not only does it repeatedly put them through the anxiety of the processes above, it teaches them that relationships are short-lived and superfluous. Sure, you know it’s normal to court someone casually for a few weeks, and then move on to someone else. But since your children can’t make this distinction—and they see everyone as serious—this can set them up for a future of issues in their own relationships. And it’s the last thing you want them to think about Christian couples." Continue reading at www.blackchristiandating.com

Have a blessed day!!!!!

"Christian Singles: Tips for Overcoming Insecurity"

2009-05-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

Another great article from "Regina Get's Real"check it out....“It is birthed out of rejection and compounded by NOT understanding who you are,” explains Tuannee Dickson, who serves as director of publicity at Bishop Noel Jones’ City of Refuge—a title that does not do justice to her insight on the Christian singles in her congregation.

When I sat down with Ms. Dickson to discuss the role of insecurity in the lives of Christian singles, I found out we share a similar belief: Insecurity is a significant factor in preventing Christian men and women from finding love.

What causes critical insecurity?

First of all, note I say “critical” insecurity to differentiate between the kind of insecurity that is a fact of life. Everyone experiences insecurity occasionally; it is critical insecurity, however, that prevents people from engaging in activities that can better their quality of life. For singles, this means not putting themselves out there to meet people, not getting to know someone for fear of rejection, or engaging in other behaviors that hurt their chances of finding love because they are too insecure to face the evaluation of others.

To explain how the process begins, Ms. Dickson quotes a favorite proverb of Bishop Jones: “People will put their whole life on hold for a promise.” In other words, people take promises seriously; they cling to them in hope…in this case, for a lifetime of love with a potential partner.

Therefore, she continues, “When promises are broken as it relates to matters of the heart, it can be devastating. The first place one concentrates is on self. And the questions begin like this: What’s wrong with me?”

From there it spreads. “Insecurity is like a cancer; it starts out as a small mass or lump. If left unattended, it can destroy your life…I have witnessed insecurity make a vivacious young woman give up on any chance of engaging in the process of love,” laments Ms. Dickson. And I concur. In fact, insecurity is almost an epidemic among single men and women, especially those over a certain age, who have experienced being seriously hurt in the past.

Tips for overcoming insecurity

As discussed, insecurity originates in rejection and is intensified by not knowing who we are. True, we can’t control rejection, but we can control how we feel about it. And we certainly can help ourselves with the second element: understanding and appreciating who we are.

To this end, the following are some ideas for gaining control over insecurity:

Focus on your connection to God
Not only are you loved by God, but you are a Believer, which means you have faith and a strong, open heart…and this is an enormous asset. Too many people walk around the world miserable and negative; the fact that you are grateful gives you incredible worth! And it should help you feel proud and confident.

Focus on inner beauty
It’s not just a cliché. When Christians choose partners, traits like kindness, compassion, empathy, and generosity are incredibly attractive. Making someone feel safe and loved—and treating others with respect—makes one a desirable mate. Because personally, and especially as I get older and wiser, I wouldn’t want to date someone who valued a sculpted body more than a caring and considerate mind."

Continue reading at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

"He’s a spender, she’s a saver…when Christian couples disagree about how to handle money"

2009-05-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

Dilemma

"I am engaged to a wonderful Christian man and we are getting married in June. We get along very well and attend the same church and our families even get along good. The one thing that we’ve always had an issue with is money because he likes to spend whenever either of us have or make extra money and I would rather save (not that I don’t buy ANYTHING but just not expensive things). Like he got a bonus at work and he wanted to take a vacation and he bought himself a watch that was pretty expensive. I know it was his bonus but we still have some credit card debt. I think that any extra money should go to that and then once it’s paid into a savings account in case one of us loses our job in this economy. With the wedding in June we are going to have to combine our income and agree on whether to spend or save. I’m worried this will cause us to fight, because right now we can still make our own decisions as far as what to do with our “own” money. How can we get on the right track? What do other people do?

Deconstruction

You probably know that most studies rank “money issues” as either number one or two on the list of the top five things couples argue about (with sex occupying the alternate spot of course). Therefore, your desire to find a solution before the spend-or-save issue actually bites you in the you-know-what is a wise move.

Since you seem so well suited for one another, all you really need are a few suggestions to help things flow smoothly between a saver and a spendthrift. Read on for what I feel are the four most essential…

#1 Gain perspective and compassion by discovering the source
Since this suggestion is not actually about how to handle money, some may see it as unimportant. However, in my opinion, it is the single most important thing you can do to decrease disagreements about money. To explain it, I will look to the following example.

I know a couple who used to fight constantly about this same issue, as just like you, the man liked to spend lavishly, while the woman wanted to put everything away for a rainy day. They had one child and made a decent living, but not nearly enough to be considered wealthy or even completely comfortable. Also like you, they got along well in all other aspects, but their fighting about saving versus spending got so bad they sought the help of a therapist to address the problem.

While they went into counseling asking for “strategies” and “tools” for managing their money, what they learned about each other was what really turned things around in their relationship. The therapist did with them what I am suggesting you do (alone or with a therapist or pastor). He asked each partner to really open up and explain to the other what they feared about his/her way of handling money. The result was that, while the man had been angrily labeling the woman as “cheap,” he learned she had a deep-rooted fear of falling victim to the financial problems of her parents—who had been quite wealthy for most of her childhood, until in her adolescence, materialism and improper money management caused them to lose everything and eventually divorce. Even though her husband had known this about her, he had no idea how much it was a constant concern.

Meanwhile, the man—whom the woman had been judging for his frivolous spending—had always felt guilty for not being able to provide for his wife the way her father had when she was a girl. Because of this, he was determined to take care of the family in a manner that was actually to their detriment.

I share this story, because once the spouses realized the source of the other’s spending/saving, they developed both perspective and compassion. The next time the husband wanted to buy something out of their budget, his wife lovingly suggested something less expensive and let him know how much the token meant to her. On the other hand, the husband learned to support his wife by reminding her they were not her parents and reassuring her they would be fine, financially. She relaxed and, as a result, became a bit looser about saving every cent.

Therefore, my first suggestion is that you and your fiancée have a candid conversation about what each fears and what each is hoping to gain by sticking rigidly to his/her current saving/spending regimen.

#2 Devise a system to avoid daily discussions of money
Here’s where the tools and techniques come into play. And while I’m certainly not a financial planner, I know there are going to be problems if every purchase or extra few bucks must be analyzed and approved by a committee of two. Therefore, I suggest developing a standard system for how spending and saving are handled for day-to-day items.

You will decide for yourselves, or with the help of a financial professional, how exactly you set things up (and what amounts go where). But the basic idea is that every month a certain percentage of each person’s paycheck goes into an account that will pay for your monthly expenses (food, rent/mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc.), and a certain percentage (on which you’ll have to compromise) will initially be put towards paying off your debt and eventually go into a joint savings account.

While this next part will be the topic of another article, one modern method advises that (after the bills and essentials are paid) you designate a certain amount of what you cumulatively make to go into separate, personal accounts. With this money—which should be the same for both regardless of who earns what—each can opt to spend or save as they please. If he chooses to spend his, fine; if you want some extra savings, that’s fine too. The point is that purchases made out of this money need not come up for discussion.

#3 But, confer and compromise on significant purchases and sums of money
You mentioned above that you and your honey currently decide separately how each will spend his/her individual money…which is the norm for unmarried couples. But now that you are tying the knot, I don’t suggest you keep all monies separate.

Instead, my advice is that you employ some version of the method above, but make a joint decision on significant expenses or sums of money. In this scenario, when either of you receives a bonus or other windfall of sorts, you decide as a couple how to spend or save it…keeping the wishes of both members in mind. For example, in the case of your fiancée" read more at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

"For the Men—Figuring Out (Christian!) Female Behavior: Why We Want ‘The Talk’ Part I"

2009-04-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

About the series

I’m proud to present the first article in a new series, “For the Men—Figuring Out (Christian!) Female Behavior.” Since most of the topics addressed in Soul Support are for Christian women or Christian men and women, I feel it’s time to give some guidance and insight to our brothers. Therefore, each installment in this series will discuss and decode some stereotypically female behavior, analyze the wrong (i.e. typical) reaction, then describe a better way to handle our (at times) seemingly senseless acts.

Before I launch into the topic for today, a disclaimer about stereotyping. Because I am writing for the public, and not each individual specifically, I have to speak to the most prevalent behaviors, which are usually the gender-based stereotypes. In light of this, please be aware that I am in no way insinuating that all men, or all women, act the same; I realize there are always exceptions and many who are in the middle between each extreme. So please take what you can from each article, and adjust the advice to your specific situation. Men, the goal is that you gain insight into the actions of the opposite sex, as well as yourself, in the hopes that we can get along a little better and appreciate where our partners—or potential mates—are coming from. Enjoy!

Today’s topic: “The Talk”

Men, I’m sure you know the four words I’m referring to. The sentence that seemingly comes out of nowhere, but that never comes at the right time as far as you’re concerned. The four words that foster fear, anxiety, and apprehension in the minds of most men, young and old alike, making you wish you were somewhere—anywhere—else instead of staring down the stern-looking face of the woman you are dating as she says…

We Have to Talk.

The fact that you want to run panicking from the premises is quite understandable. You know you’re not about to discuss dinner plans, the score of the Knicks game, or even the state of the economy. You’re about to be pressured to put a label on what has so far been a low stress, smooth sailing, and magnificently uncommitted dating relationship. You’re about to be asked where she stands and whether you’re seeing other people.

Compassion: It comes from looking beyond behavior

It is said that if you realize where a behavior comes from—if you see the innocence in a person’s motivation—you will be much more compassionate. To this end, I often mention one of my favorite books in the whole world: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff, by the wise, humble, and wickedly insightful Richard Carlson, PhD (who tragically passed away just a couple of years ago). In this, one of the book’s 100 short strategies for living a happier, more peaceful life, he advises that we “look beyond the behavior” to “see the innocence in where the behavior is coming from…” He goes on to explain that, “Underneath even the most annoying behavior is a frustrated person who is crying out for compassion.”

So let’s start by applying this smart strategy to women’s tendency to pressure men into having The Exclusivity Talk. Let’s look at why we are really so anxious to discuss the details of the dating relationship…because it’s not—as some men might think—simply to make you miserable or force you to commit.

Why we do it

The real reasons we out with “We have to talk” have to do with women’s communication styles, societal pressure, and saving face with our friends. And I’ll address them in this order.

Continue reading at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

"Good Christian Women Attracted to Bad Boys: Learn the Difference Between a Man Who’s Simply “Bad” and One Who Is Actually Bad News"

2009-04-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

Don’t look at me sideways like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Unless (and even if) you grew up a total goody-two-shoes, you’ve probably pined for a bad boy at some time or another between sixth grade and old age. And while a middle-school crush on Bobby who wears wife-beaters probably won’t lead you down the path to prolonged heartbreak or significant danger, for Christian women who continue to seek out bad boys in adulthood—or increasingly badder and more menacing characters—things can take an unpleasant turn…or at least keep you single long after friends who seek solid men have settled down.

Why do women want bad boys?

There’s more than one theory of course, but the predominant wisdom is that they want to change them. In other words, it’s a self-esteem thing: Women who don’t feel worthy think that if they can take someone bad and turn him good this must mean they themselves are acceptable after all. But it doesn’t work this way.

To begin with, what usually happens (and dare I say I speak from experience here) is that you start to date a bad boy, and for a brief period, he acts like a changed man…as if your sheer beauty and unmatchable intellect have caused him to rethink his womanizing/illegal/slacker/danger-seeking (insert other applicable adjective) behavior. And, for a moment, you feel on top of the world. But alas, you soon hit the ground, and you hit it hard. Because true bad boys aren’t seeking a solid future; they aren’t searching for an honest, stable, down-to-earth Christian woman. They are looking for someone to give them what they want for the moment (i.e. sex, an ego boost, a place to stay, money, etc.) before they move on, to fulfill whatever their self-serving mission.

But can a bad boy become good?

We can all identify with the love-em-and-leave-em behavior of a bad boy. But I’m sure we also know those couple of cases where a man did change, where he ended up marrying the woman and walking off into the sunset. This causes us to question: “Maybe the right woman can make a man do a total turnaround?” To this I say the following: It’s more a matter of timing than the women being so much better than those who had tried and failed before her. In other words, the man was ready to change his ways; the next woman who came along found herself working with a more malleable canvas.

Identifying the difference between the bad and the bad-news man

The discussion above explains why women with self-esteem issues are so easily sucked in by a bad boy. But what about all the educated, intelligent, and relatively self-assured sisters who seem to get lured in by these not-so-great guys? In these situations, there are a couple issues at work.

For starters, I think all single women at times fall victim to fears of not finding someone. I know that when you go a long time without meeting someone you are interested in, when you do find someone who sets your stomach aflutter, it’s tempting to ignore the bad-boy warning signs; it’s too easy to think, “So he’s got some bad behaviors. But if not him, there might not be another. I should just take what I can get.” However, as I’ve said time and time again, settling for someone who doesn’t make you happy or doesn’t treat you right will never bring you bliss in the long run. Better you fall back on your faith that God will send your true soul mate, or that you have the power to create your own happiness…much more so than by being with a man who doesn’t measure up.

The second situation I see with self-confident women getting spellbound by bad boys is that they don’t recognize the difference between a man who’s “bad” in the edgy, artistic, or adventurous sense versus one who is truly bad news…in the immoral, dishonest, egotistical, or involved with seedy and/or scary behavior sense.

My friend Karen’s ex-boyfriend is an excellent example of this important distinction. Karen is a gorgeous Christian woman who owns her own business and is known for making wise decisions. About five years ago, she dated a man named Eddie who, by sight and description, was the stereotypical bad boy. Eddie was a late-30s rocker with long dreads, multiple piercings, and tattoos peaking out from underneath his tattered, yet totally cool, choice of clothing. He rode a motorcycle, stayed up late, and completely exuded bad boy appeal.

But that was just Eddie on the outside. He was also a highly monogamous man who had a close relationship with his family and had worked as a bartender for nearly ten years at the same restaurant, where the clientele loved him as much as the owner, due to his outstanding integrity and total trustworthiness. And while Eddie and Karen ultimately weren’t right romantically, he was 100% faithful; although he didn’t make mounds of money, he always paid his way, understanding the importance of having a stable income while waiting for his big break. In other words, he may have been bad on the outside, but Eddie was never a thug, a liar, or even lazy in the slightest degree.

Bad if you must, but never bad news

For those of you drawn to a man with a bit of a bad side, I would first consider the source of your longing. Are you looking to change him so you can feel better about yourself? Are you worried you won’t find anyone better, so you’ll settle for someone less than suitable? Or are you simply unable to get beyond an attraction to someone who exudes a bit of an individual edge? If it’s the latter, my suggestion is to seriously evaluate the type of bad boy you’re dealing with, so you can steer clear of the truly menacing men who will always cause you heartache.

You might give him a shot if he’s bad because of…
An edgy or streetwise style, unconventional appearance, adrenaline-seeking activities, or a creative career (but coupled with motivation and an understanding of needing to pay the bills in the meantime)

But stop short if he’s bad news due to…
Criminal or illegal behavior, serious street activities (gang involvement, stealing, or other money-making scams), womanizing or unfaithful actions, untrustworthiness, disrespect towards you or others, laziness or lack of motivation, “moocher” tendencies, history of aggressive behavior, or present drug and/or alcohol abuse

The final word

The takeaway here is twofold. First of all, if you are attracted to a man with an edge and sense of adventure, make sure to differentiate between one who is bad versus one who is really bad news. Secondly, no matter what kind of bad boy you like, remember you must actually like him…AS HE IS NOW, not because changing him will make you like yourself better. Because the truth is if the timing is not right for him to mend his ways, no amount of beauty, brains, or boldness will turn him into a faithful and future-oriented partner.

www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

"Choosing a Christian Partner: Don’t Discount the Social Versus Stay-at-Home Scale"

2009-03-20T15:10:00.000-07:00

"For Christian singles, finding someone with shared values, beliefs, and morals is of the utmost importance. And seeking a potential partner who possesses traits like kindness, compassion, loyalty, and honesty should definitely sit front and center.

But right beneath these must-haves lies a similarity that is often overlooked…but that ends up causing endless arguments for many couples. This is what I call the “social versus stay-at-home scale.” At one end, you’ve got what I term the “happy homebodies.” These are the people who are most content renting a DVD, cuddling up with a good book, or making a meal at home with their significant other. When they do head out of the house, they prefer an early, quiet meal for two, followed by a swift return to their sanctuary…home.

At the other end of the spectrum, you have the “always actives.” These are the people who dislike hibernating at home, as they feel the world is passing them by. While they love spending time with their significant others equally as much, they’d prefer to experience things together…and probably in the company of others as well; they like parties, church events, and all sorts of social outings. And while certain stages of life—for example, the years when they have small children at home—may affect their ability to go out temporarily, as soon as it’s feasible, they’re looking to quickly resume their social schedules, even if they now consist of more kid-friendly choices.

Psychologically speaking: Relation to the introvert and extrovert personality types

Not to start psycho babbling on you here, but I feel it’s worth mentioning the connection (and differences) between a theory many of us have heard of: Jung’s theory of Psychological (or personality) Types.

To give a bit of back-story, Carl Jung was the famous Swiss psychiatrist who conceptualized what we know today as the theory of personality types. In this, he identifies four sets of personality traits, of which the most notable is that of the introvert and extrovert. According to the Jungian-based website www.socionics.com, extroverts and introverts are described as follows:

Extroverts are directed towards the objective world whereas Introverts are directed towards the subjective world. The most common differences between Extroverts and Introverts are shown below:"

Extroverts

• are interested in what is happening around them
• are open and often talkative
• compare their own opinions with the opinions of others
• like action and initiative
• easily make new friends or adapt to a new group
• say what they think
• are interested in new people
• easily break unwanted relations

Introverts

• are interested in their own thoughts and feelings
• need to have own territory
• often appear reserved, quiet and thoughtful
• usually do not have many friends
• have difficulties in making new contacts
• like concentration and quiet
• do not like unexpected visits and therefore do not make them
• work well alone
Contiue to read www.blackchristiandatigadvice.com

"You’re settling, but really seeking your Christian soul mate—why staying with someone out of obligation is a no-win situation"

2009-03-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

Wanted to share this great article from Regina "Get's Real....Dilemma

"I’ve been going out with a man for 5 or 6 years. He and I are both divorced. Prior to meeting him, I had been out of a painful relationship for a year and had not dated anyone (that relationship was not my marriage). Anyway, I met him while having some physical pain. He helped me through it. I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me. Well, we started the relationship from that. There were many conflicts as well as good times we had together. As the years came and went, my relationship with Christ grew deeper. Our Christian values are even more different. I must admit, I kind of felt they were different in the beginning. He professes to be a Christian as well. I’ve tried to break it off with this man many times, but he continued to pursue me until he won me over. I feel a shame to say that, but I really don’t know what else to do. I have pretty much done just about every tip you mentioned (this was before I’ve had the opportunity to read your tips) and still no avail. I also feel ashamed to admit that I just gave in because it was easier than fighting. I’ve been praying and waiting for things to change. I must say that some things have changed but there is so much more that needs to change. I don’t honestly feel he’s the one! I want to truly meet my Christian soul mate. I’m asking for your prayers for my situation.

Deconstruction

I’ll not only pray for your situation; I’ll deconstruct it, as I feel that you are in a relationship relatable to many women and men out there…Christian men and women in particular.

Identifying the issues

Upon first reading about your relationship, it was a bit unclear to me exactly why it’s not working. However, after rereading your situation closely, it came to me what is going on: It seems as if you simply don’t feel a serious, soul-to-soul connection to him…and you likely never did; but he helped you through a tough time, and you feel a major sense of obligation.

I’m sure that incongruent Christian beliefs definitely play a part in why you’ve never felt really right with this man. And I’m betting what went down was that you were going through a rough patch when you met him—experiencing both physical pain as well as the lingering pain from your previous relationship. Regardless of varying values, he helped you through it: He provided strength and support and helped bring you back to life. And for this, you feel, he deserves to be repaid…or at the very least, remained with.

See, as Christians, we feel an especially enormous sense of obligation and commitment. We are taught to try to be good people, and this means caring about how others feel and focusing on fairness: Someone does something for you; you do something in return. But this doesn’t include giving someone your life, your happiness, your opportunity for true love and joy.

As you say, “I truly believe that God allowed this meeting so this man could help me.” If this is what you believe, it is only fair, you feel, you should give God something back, by giving this man what he wants…you. But this has gone on long enough. It’s time to let yourself off the hook and seek real serenity.

Utilizing your God-given gut instincts

Of course, your sense of obligation might only be part of the puzzle. You may also be struggling with fears about what your life will be like after more than five years as part of a couple. This is both normal and natural. But it can lead you to second guess your decision to start a life on your own; it can lead you to uncertainty such as, “Is there really someone out there better for me?” or, “What if I leave him and miss him and feel I’ve made a mistake?”

Leaving a long-term relationship is a serious step. In fact, this subject was addressed in the recent article “As a Christian Man or Woman, When Should You Walk Away from a Relationship?” In it, Nicholle Williams discusses the decision and offers 12 factors for consideration when contemplating whether to terminate a relationship. She also refers to an exercise that I have found incredibly useful when faced with a life-changing decision: It involves alternately visualizing each version of your life as if you’d already chosen one outcome or the other, then focusing on the feelings in the pit of your stomach.

And speaking of feelings in the pit of your stomach, these feelings—or as I call them “God-given gut instincts”—are really the most important part of honestly assessing what will make you happy. If you can quiet your mind, ignore the input of friends and family, and really get in touch with what your gut instincts are saying, you usually already know what you need to do." Continue reading at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com Be blessed!!!!

"Christian Couples: Tips for Treating Your Mate Right (and Not Just on Valentine’s Day)"

2009-02-25T14:45:00.000-08:00

"With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, my original intention was to write an article about how Christian men and women can treat their mates right on this day we celebrate soul mates. But as I sat down and thought about it, I realized that making love last has really very little to do with how you treat your mate on February 14th and much more to do with how you treat him or her the other 364.

Because let’s face it, all but the most pathetic of partners can throw down $3.99 for one of those drugstore, foil-wrapped roses you toss in your basket as you pay for toothpaste and toe-nail clippers. And all but the most selfish of sweethearts can even spring for a Valentine’s Day dinner date.

But in order to enjoy a truly happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship, it’s how we treat our partners all the other days that really matters. It’s how we show up, support, and make sacrifices day in and day out that makes him or her want to be with us…not because they want someone to share their space and time with, but because we make their life easier, more joyful, more peaceful, and more meaningful."

Continue reading at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

As a Christian Man or Woman, When Should You Walk Away from a Relationship?

2009-02-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

I was in a five year relationship and I really thought we were going to get married. Towards the end of the realtionship I will never forget what I did.One day I was at his house and out of the blue a little voice said "Leave Now" and I was sleeping, he was laying next to me, and I kept hearing "Leave", "Leave", I try to ignore the voice but it wouldn't go away so, I got up and told him I'm leaving not knowing that was the last time I would be at his house. I went home and I knew in my heart and spirit that it was over, the next day I called him and told him we should end the relationship and he agreed but still wanting to be together until the holidays were over, which I agreed to stay with him until then. I knew it wasn't me who had made this decision it was God, I felt that it was an impulse move a move that I couldn't do by myself God lead me to do it. At that moment I never felt so sure of decision in my life. This man was my bestfriend I had spent five years with him. For the next 6 months I endured a lot of pain for the loss of my relationship with him, I couldn't see myself with anyone else it was extremly difficult. But looking back at the experience I am trully grateful to God for going through that experience it taught me to always trust him no matter what, God's got my back and he wants the best for me, he knew that I would have stayed, God said no more Ayesha the best is yet to come. I am so happy that I listen to God's voice and I left when I was suppose to leave. So if you are in a relationship please make sure if hear God telling you to do something don't ignore it "Just Do It". God bless!!!!!

"Christian Dating Online: Keeping the Faith after Falling for a Fake Profile"

2009-02-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

This article is very important, I hope it will encourage anyone who has delt with someone who had a fake profile."“I believe that this is a great site. However, due to the fact that I have already met a complete ‘nut,’ I will probably no longer use it. It was my first site and will likely be my last. It’s so unfortunate that such a brilliant idea (bringing Christian singles together) has is being tainted by satan’s little helpers. I got an ‘I love you’ after 3 emails…After praying about even communicating with him via email, God instructed me to google his screen name and he is everywhere!!! He is on every site there is…this guy is really crazy!”

"Unfortunately, the passage above was written by a wonderful woman whose confidence in Internet dating was crushed by the bad behavior of an online fraud. And while I would like to say that he is the only one of his kind, this would be untrue. “Fake profiles”—as they are generally referred to—are everywhere, but they represent a small percentage of the population. And the problem is if you let the fact that some people will present themselves fraudulently deter you from using online dating and friendship sites, you are missing out on an opportunity to meet the many more singles who are honest…and honestly looking to meet someone."

Online fakes and frauds: Why?

"Asking why people post fake profiles or pretend to be someone else is like asking why people lie or cheat on their taxes. People are not perfect, and there will always be some dishonest among us. Maybe some present themselves untruthfully because of benign reasons, like they feel if they are honest, no one will want them. Others have more malevolent motives like scamming singles for money. While some are just mean-spirited in that they derive pleasure from manipulating the emotions of those they meet in cyberspace."

"The point is it doesn’t matter why they display deceit. We need to remember that this is nothing new; it’s part of life…and we’re the ones letting them deter us from taking advantage of something that has helped a lot of singles find someone special. So we’re the ones who should stop giving them the right to ruin our chances for love!" Please continue reading at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

"Wilogod" Is FaithMate's Christian Question Winner.......

2009-01-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to "WilofGod" for your awesome answers to FaithMate's questions. Here is her thoughts on "Living Single and a Christian""Singleness can be for many reasons. It can be caused by divorce, widowed or separated. I view singleness as a gift from God because I have the opportunity to be sold out for God. But let's be real, if you are single, deep down inside most of us hope to find someone with whom we can share our life. Even Adam, the first single person, was missing human relationship. Adam survived a degree of loneliness that we hope we will never experience. As a Christian, I have come to realize that getting married doesn't do anything to eliminate being alone and does not guarantee a fulfilled life. Fulfillment is based on my relationship with Jesus. If I can't manage my singleness, I will not be able to manage being married. I had to understand that I can be single but not alone. Loneliness will cause one to confuse company for companionship. Company fulfills for a moment, companionship fulfills for a lifetime. I seek companionship. One more thing, as a single and a Christian, I have learned to love me, respect me and value who I am. This way I can present myself in a way in which I want others to respect and treat me. Don't wait for that someone special to validate you and stop viewing your singleness as some sort of disease that needs a major cure. If God thought enough of you and loved you enough to give up his ONLY son, surely you can prove to Him that this sacrifice was worth it by caring for and loving yourself.

Excerpts from my first self published book entitled "You Marry What You Date". Thanks "WilofGod" for sharing your thoughts and I wish a blessed and prosperous new year!!!!!!

Congrats to "Proverbs 3110" another American Express Card winner"

2009-01-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 3110 shares her thoughts on being single and a christian......."Being Christian presents its own challenges. Now throw in being single and challenges leap to the next level. It’s hard to meet someone as a Christian versus when you were in the world. As a Christian, you’re committed to celibacy, abstaining from drinking, absent from the club scene and other such activities. This limits your dating pool drastically. Celibacy alone is enough to turn off a potential date. Even in the church.

The lack of males in the church presents even more challenges for single women. For every committed male suitable for Christian marriage there’s approximately 20 women vying for his attention. Now it’s a game of getting him to notice you rendering often sound women to desperate measures.

I am often told I will meet the person of my dreams when I least expect it. In the meantime, I must focus on becoming the woman of his dreams.

If there’s to be any hope, it must be found in the sovereignty of God and His willingness to grant the desires of a single woman’s heart.. Therefore we must take refuge in the scripture that admonishes us to seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto us."

Thank you Proverbs 3110 for sharing your thoughts have a blessed and prosperous year!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations to "GOLDENDIVA" the new winner of the American Express gift card....

2009-01-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

GoldenDiva shares her thoughts about being a member of FaithMate."I found FaithMate by accident and I really didn't have any intention to join but I did. Wow, I really was stepping out of my comfort zone! This site has a wealth of information on dating and relationships. Be sure to read the utterance format.
I haven't met my mate and that's okay but I truly have enjoyed reading the different articles from powerful men and women of God. Thank you Bishop Jones and FaithMate staff for such a beautiful and powerful website." I wish GoldenDiva much success on the site and a blessed and prosperous year!!!!!

"Make the Most of Music"

2009-01-06T14:46:00.000-08:00

Hello everybody I think gospel music is very important.Gospel music is so uplifting, and encouraging. I can't tell you how many times listening to Karen Clark Sheard, Kim Burrell, J Moss, Marvin Sapp, have kept me focused on how great God is and how powerful his word is in my life.I totally agree with "Regina Get's Real" make the most of music she says "When speaking of basic pleasures that don’t cost much money, music tops the list…and lifts your spirits sky high. For example, downloading one good gospel album can keep you centered and get your mood out of the gutter when daily reality takes a toll. (Check out Tyscot Records at www.tyscot.com for a selection of some of the greatest gospel artists of all time.)" Want to read more? go to www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com God bless!!!!!

Your man’s never-endingly negative about the economic recession—how can you put the positive back into your lives?

2008-12-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone for the next few weeks I will be sharing with you "Regina Get's Real" topics and articles from www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com."Dilemma

My man is taking the economy really hard because he works construction and things have been really slow. My job is stable so we have been okay with money. The problem is that he is always complaining and worrying about what will happen if things don’t pick up. It’s starting to make us fight because I am trying to be positive and happy for the Lord’s blessings but I don’t know how to make him see that things will be alright if we just have faith.

Deconstruction

While the recession is on everyone’s mind, it is definitely hitting some harder than others. The reason for this is twofold: First of all, how close a person is to the problem will affect their attitude. For example, your boyfriend is in an industry that is significantly impacted by the housing market. Since much of the problem began with home loans, lenders are now less than lenient. This means the number of people who can afford to buy, build, or add on is seriously stifled, and this directly affects construction revenue. Furthermore, the fact that your man is probably paid only when there is a project means he’s going to notice the current downturn more than someone like yourself, a salaried employee.

The bad news is that this first factor isn’t easily resolved by a positive attitude. However, the second aspect that affects a person’s view of the current climate can be morphed by mere mindset. This is the strength of their faith and optimism.

As Christians, we pride ourselves on our faith. But it’s all too easy to spout on about the strength of our beliefs when things are good. The true test of our faith, however, is when things aren’t petering along so perfectly. Like, say, during an economic recession. This is the time when we must put our tough talk into action—or in this case into attitude—and use it to keep negativism to a minimum.

But how exactly can we mold our mindset into a more positive one? How can we keep the faith of Christians without acting totally out of touch with reality? And, as in your case, how can we keep the current financial situation from breaking the bond between our loved ones and ourselves?

Tips for staying sane and spiritually centered during a downturn

Keep panic in perspective
Although the recession is very real, it’s important to remember that what we hear on the news are always the worst-case scenarios. And while they are true tales, they don’t mean you will meet the same fate. In your situation, this means pointing out to your boyfriend that the two of you are plodding along just fine…and that things will look up.

Take this opportunity to learn how to manage your money
While I just said not to panic, I’m not saying you should turn a blind eye to finances either. In fact, now is a terrific time to better your management of money. Are you properly prepared for the future? How would you handle things should the recession become extended? Are you aware of simple (and spiritual) solutions to achieve financial security and live the life God intended for you?

There are some wonderful resources that give Christians practical, positive information on directing their focus towards prosperity. (One that I consider a must-read is Vow of Prosperity by Bishop Noel Jones and Scott Chaplan, which"
To read more tips visit www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com and share you thoughts. I want to wish everyone a happy, blessed and prosperous new year!!!!!!!!

"Readying Yourself for Romance Part I: The Physical Preparation"

2008-12-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share this great information with everyone this is very inportant."Maybe you’ve recently ended a long-term relationship. Or maybe you’ve been single for quite some time. Either way, when you’ve been out of the dating scene for an extended period, it can be intimidating to put yourself back out there and look for love.

Some of our fear comes from the unknown about the dating scene. But a lot of our concern comes from insecurity about ourselves: “How do I approach a potential date?” “How do I act on a date?” and “How should I look and prepare myself physically to start dating?”

As a Christian, this latter issue, that of attending to your physical appearance, might seem like it should be low on your priority list. But it shouldn’t. The reason is that, while objectively, how you look isn’t your most important aspect, how you feel about how you look is critical. If you feel attractive and desirable to the opposite sex, you will carry yourself with confidence. And confidence is a key component in attracting others.

When it comes to physical preparation, there are two elements: how you ready yourself to start dating in general and how you prepare yourself for an actual date. Because, again, looking your best is an advantage in initially attracting a mate; but more significantly, feeling secure with your appearance affects your attitude and actions. It draws others in like a magnet…and is much more powerful than whether or not you were born beautiful." To read complete article go to www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

I wanted to wish everyone a blessed and wonderful holiday.

FaithMate's 4th American Express winner shares his experience on FaithMate....

2008-12-11T08:46:00.000-08:00

"I consider myself one who loves the Lord and do so by obeying his commandments to the best of my ability, through faith and repentence, and believing in the forgiveness of Christ. I actually came across faithmate.com after trying to find a conference nearby, where Dr. Noel Jones would be speaking. Once I came upon his website, I noticed fatemate.com. I noticed that it was a dating website for Christians, yet this was not my focus when I became a member. I thought that it would be a great resource to help educate me; where I once lacked in area of relationships. By comunicating with the Body of Christ I believed the possiblity for getting what information I'd needed concerning dating and relationships.

My experience on faithmate.com overall has been a wonderful experience. I understand that we do not live in a perfect world nor will the Body of Christ be perfected until Christ's announces it's perfection through him. With the negative experiences I've had, I've tried to viewed them in the light of God. We are not all at the same level of maturity and in the devolopment of our divine fruitfulness. So if I consider myself mature than some than I choose to allow the Love of God to come forth in ways that will build and edify the believer.

I appreciate the gift and I appreciate the opportunity and previlege of being a member of faithmate.com... May God continue to show his favor, grace and mercy upon this ministry and on all those who visits. God bless Dr. Jones, his family, the church members, and the entire Body of Christ....Happy Holidays!"

Sincerely,
Gregory Jenkins
The Spirit of the Lord is Upon me.........

"BISHOP NOEL JONES ON INSPIRATION NETWORK: New show ‘Fresh Oil’ added to the rapidly growing television network."

2008-12-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

This is great news I want to congratulate Bishop Noel Jones on his new venture. Here is the complete article from www.eurweb.com."The Inspiration Network, one of the fastest-growing inspirational networks in the U.S. announced that international ministry leader Bishop Noel Jones has been added to the lineup.

Bishop Jones' “Fresh Oil” broadcasts feature the unique preaching and teaching style that has made him a trusted source for spiritual guidance to millions across the world. His program will air on INSP on Fridays at 6:30 a.m. EST.

“Adding Bishop Noel Jones to INSP's lineup is a great programming addition for our cable and satellite viewers,” said Marc Favaro, senior vice president of network sales for INSP's parent company The Inspiration Networks. "He is one of the most respected ministry leaders of our time and has amassed a solid following not only in the U.S., but internationally as well. I'm sure that our viewers will benefit from the wealth of knowledge and insight he delivers each week.”

Bishop Jones pastors the City of Refuge Church in Gardena, CA (near Los Angeles). Since his installment as pastor in June 1994, the membership has grown from approximately 3,300 people to over 17,000. The organization is actively involved in serving the community, with outreach efforts that include rehabilitative programs, ministries for the deaf, and programs for artists, singles, the incarcerated, youth, and young adults.

His intellectual, scriptural approach and intense oratorical style impacts people from all walks of life and has encouraged the faith of people across the globe from Seattle to Miami, from London to Africa. Many hail his method as being practical, yet powerful while also penetrating the hardest of hearts, captivating the attention of the restless and convincing the confused that God is able to save anybody.

Jones serves as a columnist for one of the nation's premier Gospel publications, Gospel Today Magazine, and also is a frequent guest on a number of shows and has appeared as a panelist on both CNN and NPR. His many achievements include being honored by the Mayor of Syracuse, New York for aiding in the establishment of a city-wide Crusade Day, a multi-cultural, non-denominational conference encouraging the participation of all Syracuse and Central New York residents."

For more information about Bishop Noel Jones visit www.noeljones.org.

I am so pleased....

2008-11-20T11:48:00.000-08:00

I am so pleased that FaithMate has been a blessing to many people. In the last few weeks I have told you about Denise and Robert - they met on FaithMate and within a short period of time Robert asked Denise to marry him. For all of you who have read our “Success Story” (link), you know how truly touching this story is – and you should share it with someone – share the love that’s in the world all around us.
Nyesha also emailed me and shared her wonderful story of how her and her fiancee met on FaithMate
…And last but not least Erin and her husband Renauld have shared their wonderful story of love with us, and are getting ready to write the next chapter - - Erin congrats with the new baby on the way.
Congratulations to you all and thank you for sharing your stories with me. I pray that God continues to bless your relationships!
And please keep on sharing stories like these with us at Faithmate. I know this is an online community, but behind the technology are real people who really care that Faithmate helps you fulfill your destinies.

FaithMate's Third Amex Winner Honored her thoughts on being single and dating...

2008-11-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

"I am sure there are some
phenomenal guys out there, but they are just hard to come across,
which leads me to my next statement.

Dating has been/is difficult for me because the men I have encountered
have the following downsides:

*a lack of sincerity.
*have trouble communicating effectively.
*are not comfortable in their own skin.
*are not financially stable and come with a plethora of issues.
*cannot deal with an independent woman.

Where are the brothers that are about their business, as I am"?

Long-Distance Dating Part I: Should You Do It?

2008-10-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

Long-Distance Dating Part I: Should You Do It? By Nicolle Williams

"Online dating has literally exploded in popularity. In one study from Jupiter Research*, by 2008 online dating will hit $642 million in revenue, which means the way singles meet, mingle, get to know one another, date, and form relationships has changed. One of the many significant implications has been a rise in long-distance dating.

If you think about it, it makes sense: With the whole world of singles at the click of a mouse and communication channels like e-mail and IM all but free, it’s more likely than ever for us to form a romantic relationship with someone outside our immediate area. And while some singles stick safely to the “within 25 miles” screen, my feeling is that we shouldn’t limit ourselves. Especially as Christians, who are not looking to settle for anything less than our true, spiritually-centered soul mate, speaking simply in terms of numbers, it’s wise to expand our search to include the possibility of long-distance love".Read more at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

How to Handle Claims of Hardship: Keeping Your Heart and Your Wallet Safe from Scams

2008-10-22T15:16:00.001-07:00

"The Bible teaches us to be compassionate, kind, and giving toward our fellow man: As Christians, we pride ourselves on being generous, on helping out those less fortunate, and on keeping an open, nonjudgmental attitude toward others.

Unfortunately, this compassion can also make us easy targets for scam artists looking to profit from our kind character; the anonymous nature of the Internet makes all online sites potential places to prowl for prey" Read the rest on www.blackchristiandating.com tell me what you think.

Lies Women Like to Believe: The Downside of Dialing His Digits

2008-10-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

This is very interesting this topic comes from www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com "This lie is a doozy of desperation that comes in many unfortunate forms; and all have to do with women telling ourselves that it’s okay—or even necessary or beneficial—for us to call men during the initial stages of meeting and courtship:
• He’ll respect my confidence in calling to make the first move".Read more at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com share your thoughts.....

Making the First Move: Women CAN Avoid a Missed Opportunity and Still Let Men Lead the Way

2008-10-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

This is a GREAT topic to talk about. In my opinion, women can make the first move without being obvious. For example, just by giving eye contact or smiling is letting him know there is interest. From personal experience, just by doing that, I gave the man the opportunity to come and talk to me without me having to walk over and talk to him. I think being online is similar. On FaithMate you have the opportunity to search and find different men you are interested in. Sending a smile is initiating conversation, and showing interest in a subtle way. And that gives the man the opportunity to “make the first move” and still lead the way….Share your thoughts……..

Dating Dos and Don’ts: Conversation Keys and Killers for the First Few Dates

2008-09-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone I wanted to introduce you to www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com there is great advice on being single, dating, and life issues. Here is a little piece of what is on the site and what it's all about. "Since we can’t do too much to affect whether someone feels physically attracted to us, and behavior is a whole separate discussion—or rather many discussions—today I will explore guidelines to help us stop sabotaging ourselves with unappealing and/or inappropriate conversation; because, in my opinion, taking an honest look at how we come across conversationally is one of the best ways to beat rejection" read the rest at www.blackchristiandatingadvice.com

Thoughts on dating.....

2008-09-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

Nekia FaithMate's 1st Amex winner.......

Dating in this day in age can be scary. However, I am often reminded that God is with us and He will
never leave us nor forsake us. Therefore, I make a serious effort to keep an open mind no matter what.
Whatever is good, think on these things it says in Phillipians. There are many
negative things to dwell on, be it past relationships or just the statistics. But God gives us hope and a plan.
I think about the courage and hope it takes to try again and love and to trust God.
Whenever I login to Faithmate.com, I'm saying I believe in hope. I wish everyone the hope to say open and
the courage to trust God.

Sincerely,
Nekia

Today’s topic is “You have to believe you have it”

2008-09-18T07:52:00.001-07:00

Mark 11:24 (King James Version)
King James Version (KJV)
Public Domain

24Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
I truly believe when you seek God in what you desire and what you want in your life, and really believe His will be done no matter how long it takes, it will come to pass. So if anyone is having a hard time being single or feeling alone out there, meditate on this scripture. Share your thoughts 

2008-09-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,
Remember last week when I told you that “glad2bm3” wrote the best blog response and won $25? Well, (this is amazing!) I am pleased to announce that “glad2bm3” wanted me to put the $25 gift card to our next winner! This means that instead of winning a $25 dollar gift card (pretty good), this week’s winner will be a $50 dollar gift card (really good)- - whoo hoo!
(So you all better be hitting “reply” soon…)

The winner for the $25 gift card is...

2008-09-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

glad2bm3 Congratulations!!!!! Email Ayesha at ayesha@faithmate.com to receive your prize.

We have TWO WINNERS!!!!!

2008-09-11T16:16:00.001-07:00

Spread the word everyone: tomorrow morning (September 12), I will be announcing the winner of first $200 Amex gift card winner for September right here on my blog. So check here to see if you got it.
And remember, we’re doing this three more times this month, and all paid members are automatically entered to win. Not bad, right?
Later in the day, I will also be announcing the winner of the $25 prize for the best comment on my blog. This is easy money, people – bring your best stuff!

“Watch Out For Fake Profiles”

2008-09-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

Now you might read that headline and say Huh? A dating website telling me to watch out for dating websites? But think about it - I’m being real here. We have to use our God-given common sense. If a person you just met at a party tried to take you outside to talk, you wouldn’t go alone, would you? Or if they hit you up for money right away? Hello?! You have to use the same radar online.
So, when you try online dating and you’re communicating with someone online for the first time, make sure you do not give out your personal information until you feel comfortable – no personal email, address, telephone number, etc. My advice would be to set-up a separate email account and communicate from there. If a person asks you to set-up a Yahoo messenger account before really getting to know you, they might be trying to avoid having their conversations tracked (they’re wrong, of course, but don’t do it!) And when a person claims to have a hardship or are in need of money to support them or their family – don’t fall for that!
I read these stories on all sorts of websites, and you probably do, too. Be smart, take your time…__________________________
Here is a link to report fraud www.stop-scammers.com

How do you get to your second date?

2008-09-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

Getting to the second date can be interesting LOL ;). My past experiences on first dates have been good for the most part:) he picks me up on time, looks great, smells good, has great conversation, doesn’t come on too strong, and if all goes well, there is an instant chemistry. I’d like to think that using common sense definitely gets you to the second date - taking the time to look good for yourself and your date, making sure you hair looks nice, dressing for the occasion, and being on time. But it doesn’t always work out, know what I mean? I would love for you to share your thoughts on the topic.

Christian Dating Guide

2008-09-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

Christian Dating

Learn the real secrets behind successful online christian dating!

Would you date someone that is not a Christian?

2008-09-01T05:12:00.000-07:00

I find it challenging being a single Christian dating. You meet a guy you have great conversation go on your first date, and then he tell’s you he is not a Christian. I immediately feel disappointed and start to lose interest , then I start to ask myself should I even continue dating him? Should I invite him to church and maybe he will receive the holy spirit? Has anyone else experience this?